To Spank or Not to Spank; That is the Question... well... not really...
OK. Everybody who knows me knows how I feel about them. Right. I mean, if you are a friend of mine, you know I like you and wouldn't ever TRY to hurt your feelings or make you mad at me. Right? OK. Having said that, I just want to talk a little about hitting kids.
I have been asked:How can you teach a child to not hit, if you hit him? How can you teach a child to be non violent if you spank? If you're still reading, let me answer:
It is essential to never strike a child when you are angry. It is essential to graduate intensity and severity of the spanking experience in correlation with the emotional and intellectual development of the child, in consideration with the personality of the child and the relationship of you, as the disciplinarian, to the child.
In more simple terms: there is no cut and dried spanking technique such as you will find for 'time out'. With 'time out', a child is supposed to be placed in 'time out' or in the 'naughty spot' or on the 'naughty chair' (or whatever), for one minute per year of age of the child. Incidentally, some children don't really mind sitting in time out for a while where they can think or sing, or imagine... Spanking isn't that way. It has been my experience that no child likes to be spanked. But spanking is complicated.
A parent who spanks his or her child must be much more in tune with the developmental emotional and intellectual stage of his or her child as an individual than a parent who uses time out or withholding of privileges. A toddler who obviously knows he is hurting someone by pulling hair after being redirected and spoken to in simple words with appropriate emphasis will most likely respond to a gentle slap on the hand or wrist while being told in simple words to not hurt the other child. He should be loved and encouraged to engage in a positive behavior and taught to touch other children appropriately through modeling and hands-on teaching (holding his hand in yours and stroking the other child's hair, for instance while telling him to be soft, or nice, or whatever).
I have found that toddlers from 16 or so months old up to about 2 years respond very quickly to this method and do get their feelings hurt when you speak sternly to them while slapping their hand or wrist, or thigh. I have found they do not respond as well to the stern voice alone. They remember the physical stimuli, and the impression of the experience carries forward to the next time, when they may respond to the stern voice alone.
I have experienced that most children do not require spanking after the age of about 3 or 4 years of age, however, with any child, there MUST be a discernible pattern of discipline that the child can easily identify. The parent must develop steps toward the spanking that will warn the child, as he learns to identify the pattern, that a spanking is coming if he doesn't change his course.
For instance; 1. verbal correction in a kind voice with redirection of the child to an appropriate activity. 2. verbal correction in a firm voice with a warning to change the inappropriate behavior with redirection of the child to the alternate activity. 3. Swat to the thigh, or hand (depending on whether or not the hand is specifically involved in the undesired activity), accompanied by firm verbal affirmation as to why the child is being spanked, followed by redirection... then shortly later, followed by reaffirmation of love and affection for the child and encouragement to not repeat the offense for which the spank was given.
NOW, for older children, who generally behave well and heed the warning pattern, which, by the time a child is 6 or so should begin with making eye contact with the child and expressing in unspoken language that the child's current behavior is unacceptable. This unspoken language may often be a raised eyebrow or a shaken head, as if to say 'no'. If a child does not respond to this, a parent might need to speak with the child directly to express the expectation to discontinue a certain behavior or to engage in a certain activity, such as 'make your bed'... etc. When a parent has clearly communicated expectations to an older child and given a warning such as: If you continue to rat tail your brother with that dish towel, you will give me 20 push ups and I will give you 3 swats on the rear. Do you understand me?, a spanking is warranted, even required, if the threat has been made. An older child will rarely need a spanking and is more than likely embarrassed by it more than anything else, after all, he is expected to be more obedient and well behaved than that.
Generally, an older child will understand the explained consequences and will accept his or her punishment if earned.
In most cases (except with the very young toddler who does not yet understand the pattern of discipline or even not to pull hair), a child will see where his steps are leading, will have been warned and will expect what is coming, or will take steps to avoid the spanking.
There will be the occasional offense that warrants spanking without prior warning to the child. For instance; if a three year old bites her sister. She knew not to bite. She was angry. She deserves a spanking. She must not be spanked out of anger. She must be told before her spanking that she will get a spanking and why. She must be told how many swats she will receive. She must also be made to apologize and be told, although she already knew it, that she must never bite her sister again.
In most cases, older children will avoid spanking due to their choices and having learned to identify the spiraling staircase that leads to it.
I would like to express how important I believe it is for parents to never take a child's bad behavior personally. A parent should not get angry when a child misbehaves. The bad behavior only hurts the child in the long run. A child must learn that. Spanking is a very poetic way to impress that upon a child's mind. A parent must spank out of love and with control and purpose. Never to injure the child physically. Yet, there must be some physical pain to impress upon the mind of the child and serve as a reminder that bad behavior is not rewarding; this principle will soon evolve into the understanding that 'wickedness never was happiness.'
One last thought: children must trust their parents (caregivers) to discipline them. Children must be able to rely upon the stability of their parents. Parents who cannot control themselves must never spank a child.
I have been asked:How can you teach a child to not hit, if you hit him? How can you teach a child to be non violent if you spank? If you're still reading, let me answer:
It is essential to never strike a child when you are angry. It is essential to graduate intensity and severity of the spanking experience in correlation with the emotional and intellectual development of the child, in consideration with the personality of the child and the relationship of you, as the disciplinarian, to the child.
In more simple terms: there is no cut and dried spanking technique such as you will find for 'time out'. With 'time out', a child is supposed to be placed in 'time out' or in the 'naughty spot' or on the 'naughty chair' (or whatever), for one minute per year of age of the child. Incidentally, some children don't really mind sitting in time out for a while where they can think or sing, or imagine... Spanking isn't that way. It has been my experience that no child likes to be spanked. But spanking is complicated.
A parent who spanks his or her child must be much more in tune with the developmental emotional and intellectual stage of his or her child as an individual than a parent who uses time out or withholding of privileges. A toddler who obviously knows he is hurting someone by pulling hair after being redirected and spoken to in simple words with appropriate emphasis will most likely respond to a gentle slap on the hand or wrist while being told in simple words to not hurt the other child. He should be loved and encouraged to engage in a positive behavior and taught to touch other children appropriately through modeling and hands-on teaching (holding his hand in yours and stroking the other child's hair, for instance while telling him to be soft, or nice, or whatever).
I have found that toddlers from 16 or so months old up to about 2 years respond very quickly to this method and do get their feelings hurt when you speak sternly to them while slapping their hand or wrist, or thigh. I have found they do not respond as well to the stern voice alone. They remember the physical stimuli, and the impression of the experience carries forward to the next time, when they may respond to the stern voice alone.
I have experienced that most children do not require spanking after the age of about 3 or 4 years of age, however, with any child, there MUST be a discernible pattern of discipline that the child can easily identify. The parent must develop steps toward the spanking that will warn the child, as he learns to identify the pattern, that a spanking is coming if he doesn't change his course.
For instance; 1. verbal correction in a kind voice with redirection of the child to an appropriate activity. 2. verbal correction in a firm voice with a warning to change the inappropriate behavior with redirection of the child to the alternate activity. 3. Swat to the thigh, or hand (depending on whether or not the hand is specifically involved in the undesired activity), accompanied by firm verbal affirmation as to why the child is being spanked, followed by redirection... then shortly later, followed by reaffirmation of love and affection for the child and encouragement to not repeat the offense for which the spank was given.
NOW, for older children, who generally behave well and heed the warning pattern, which, by the time a child is 6 or so should begin with making eye contact with the child and expressing in unspoken language that the child's current behavior is unacceptable. This unspoken language may often be a raised eyebrow or a shaken head, as if to say 'no'. If a child does not respond to this, a parent might need to speak with the child directly to express the expectation to discontinue a certain behavior or to engage in a certain activity, such as 'make your bed'... etc. When a parent has clearly communicated expectations to an older child and given a warning such as: If you continue to rat tail your brother with that dish towel, you will give me 20 push ups and I will give you 3 swats on the rear. Do you understand me?, a spanking is warranted, even required, if the threat has been made. An older child will rarely need a spanking and is more than likely embarrassed by it more than anything else, after all, he is expected to be more obedient and well behaved than that.
Generally, an older child will understand the explained consequences and will accept his or her punishment if earned.
In most cases (except with the very young toddler who does not yet understand the pattern of discipline or even not to pull hair), a child will see where his steps are leading, will have been warned and will expect what is coming, or will take steps to avoid the spanking.
There will be the occasional offense that warrants spanking without prior warning to the child. For instance; if a three year old bites her sister. She knew not to bite. She was angry. She deserves a spanking. She must not be spanked out of anger. She must be told before her spanking that she will get a spanking and why. She must be told how many swats she will receive. She must also be made to apologize and be told, although she already knew it, that she must never bite her sister again.
In most cases, older children will avoid spanking due to their choices and having learned to identify the spiraling staircase that leads to it.
I would like to express how important I believe it is for parents to never take a child's bad behavior personally. A parent should not get angry when a child misbehaves. The bad behavior only hurts the child in the long run. A child must learn that. Spanking is a very poetic way to impress that upon a child's mind. A parent must spank out of love and with control and purpose. Never to injure the child physically. Yet, there must be some physical pain to impress upon the mind of the child and serve as a reminder that bad behavior is not rewarding; this principle will soon evolve into the understanding that 'wickedness never was happiness.'
One last thought: children must trust their parents (caregivers) to discipline them. Children must be able to rely upon the stability of their parents. Parents who cannot control themselves must never spank a child.
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