When Turning the Page
It occurred to me when speaking with my brother the other day that I've forgotten to walk forward after having closed a door behind me...It's like I stepped beyond the door and now, I'm just standing here, not knowing where to go.
My mother has recently passed away and so the chapter in my life in which she plays a current role is passed. I have been very busy closing that door neatly; making sure I'm OK; making sure the kids are OK; making sure I call my sister to see if she's OK... It's like when I'm running out of the house, going back a couple of times to get my purse, get the snack, get the sipper cup... On the last trip out the door, I have to make sure nothing gets caught as it closes. I carry an envelope in my teeth that needs to be mailed, I have a book under my arm that needs to go back to the library, I have a bag of clothes ready for the donation drop box hanging from my wrist; none of these will I catch in that door as it closes behind me. I'm pretty good about getting out the door without dropping anything or getting snagged...
I'm reading a book my son, Levi got me into... actually it's that "Percy Jackson and the Olympians" series... believe it or not. When I am in bed at night, on a night I feel up to reading, I read until I find myself dozing off. Sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of a page and in the morning I don't remember what page I was on last. Mostly, I try to remember to mark the page before I close the book, though. I like to read at least to the end of the right hand page, turn the page, then put a marker in there so next time, I know I'm at the top of the next page.
Simple method. Turn the page, make sure my marker is in place, begin again tomorrow. Getting back to life: It seems to me I have done an OK job getting to the end of the page in the chapter called "The Life of Me With My Mother in It"... I mean, I've been careful to give myself all of the allowances for which the circumstances call, as far as I can see the needs. Now, I feel like I'm picking up my life after having fallen asleep; I don't know where I was before. I mean, I do, but I'm having a hard time getting to the place where I feel I definitely am sure I had a clue.
When someone you love dies, the sun continues to rise in the East. It doesn't matter that you think it should not. People still blurb the news on TV. Nobody in the wide world outside of your head stops what they're doing to offer a moment of silence. It's your grief; your sorrow; your silence. Without your choice in the matter, the pages turn and the story unfolds.
It's a good thing the sun does rise, though. It's a good thing the world continues to rotate on its axis. It is wisdom in God that our hearts beat without our willing them to. It is a blessing that time heals wounded hearts in a measure.
It's a kindness to us that the wind blows and pages turn without our consent, at times. If we had our way, time would not pass as it does and people wouldn't get old or sick and nobody would die and leave us grieving. It is out of our hands. If no pages turned, the fullness of the story would be left untold.
It is best both to read and to live life when one is aware and alert. It is best to remember where you are in the story, to enjoy it as it is meant to be enjoyed, and to not take for granted that tomorrow, if you drift away in to sleep, you can pick up where you left off. Sometimes, you can't.
Now I am here. The rains have settled the soil atop my mothers grave. The stone is in place. The belongings are out of Aunt Fran's house where my mother used to live. The bills are paid and nothing is left undone... except now, I need to remember how I was living life before: those days when I didn't think about picking up the phone and calling my mom... how did I do it before? I know there were lots of days I forgot to think of her at all... now, I think about her every day.
The 'School of Hard Knocks' is a tough place to learn your lessons... and the joker is (as my mom used to refer to the 'joker'), the joker is that you don't even know you need a lesson until you get one, whether you wanted it or not.
I'll have to think about it some more... not like it will change anything about yesterday... but maybe it will make a difference in tomorrow...
My mother has recently passed away and so the chapter in my life in which she plays a current role is passed. I have been very busy closing that door neatly; making sure I'm OK; making sure the kids are OK; making sure I call my sister to see if she's OK... It's like when I'm running out of the house, going back a couple of times to get my purse, get the snack, get the sipper cup... On the last trip out the door, I have to make sure nothing gets caught as it closes. I carry an envelope in my teeth that needs to be mailed, I have a book under my arm that needs to go back to the library, I have a bag of clothes ready for the donation drop box hanging from my wrist; none of these will I catch in that door as it closes behind me. I'm pretty good about getting out the door without dropping anything or getting snagged...
I'm reading a book my son, Levi got me into... actually it's that "Percy Jackson and the Olympians" series... believe it or not. When I am in bed at night, on a night I feel up to reading, I read until I find myself dozing off. Sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of a page and in the morning I don't remember what page I was on last. Mostly, I try to remember to mark the page before I close the book, though. I like to read at least to the end of the right hand page, turn the page, then put a marker in there so next time, I know I'm at the top of the next page.
Simple method. Turn the page, make sure my marker is in place, begin again tomorrow. Getting back to life: It seems to me I have done an OK job getting to the end of the page in the chapter called "The Life of Me With My Mother in It"... I mean, I've been careful to give myself all of the allowances for which the circumstances call, as far as I can see the needs. Now, I feel like I'm picking up my life after having fallen asleep; I don't know where I was before. I mean, I do, but I'm having a hard time getting to the place where I feel I definitely am sure I had a clue.
When someone you love dies, the sun continues to rise in the East. It doesn't matter that you think it should not. People still blurb the news on TV. Nobody in the wide world outside of your head stops what they're doing to offer a moment of silence. It's your grief; your sorrow; your silence. Without your choice in the matter, the pages turn and the story unfolds.
It's a good thing the sun does rise, though. It's a good thing the world continues to rotate on its axis. It is wisdom in God that our hearts beat without our willing them to. It is a blessing that time heals wounded hearts in a measure.
It's a kindness to us that the wind blows and pages turn without our consent, at times. If we had our way, time would not pass as it does and people wouldn't get old or sick and nobody would die and leave us grieving. It is out of our hands. If no pages turned, the fullness of the story would be left untold.
It is best both to read and to live life when one is aware and alert. It is best to remember where you are in the story, to enjoy it as it is meant to be enjoyed, and to not take for granted that tomorrow, if you drift away in to sleep, you can pick up where you left off. Sometimes, you can't.
Now I am here. The rains have settled the soil atop my mothers grave. The stone is in place. The belongings are out of Aunt Fran's house where my mother used to live. The bills are paid and nothing is left undone... except now, I need to remember how I was living life before: those days when I didn't think about picking up the phone and calling my mom... how did I do it before? I know there were lots of days I forgot to think of her at all... now, I think about her every day.
The 'School of Hard Knocks' is a tough place to learn your lessons... and the joker is (as my mom used to refer to the 'joker'), the joker is that you don't even know you need a lesson until you get one, whether you wanted it or not.
I'll have to think about it some more... not like it will change anything about yesterday... but maybe it will make a difference in tomorrow...
Thank you, Sally, for sharing your beautiful thoughts and for reminding me to remember my mom every day. xoxo
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