The Question of Sharing
A sweet friend of mine has asked how I teach my children to share. Well... I had to think about that one. Here are a few positions my husband and I agree upon, which positions our children accept as the way it is. It was comforting to me when Gordon B. Hinckley said something to the effect that we are stewards over our wealth. We do not own it. It belongs to the Lord. And one of these days we will have to answer to the Lord for the way in which we exercised our stewardship over our riches.
So-- here are some basic principles accepted by the Windham Family:
1. This is the house the Lord allowed Dad and me to provide for the use of our family. It is not your house.
2. This is a bedroom in the house the Lord has allowed Dad and me to provide. It is not your bedroom. It is my bedroom, or Dad's, if it belongs to anyone here.
3. These are clothes purchased with money I earned/Dad earned. They are for your use. They are not yours. If to anyone, they belong to Dad and me.
4. These are not your toys. They are toys purchased with money the Lord allowed us to earn for the care of our family. We offer gifts to you on special occasions because giving and receiving make us all feel happy. It is about the giving and receiving. If some gifts were given to you from other people, remember, IN THE STATE of TEXAS: no minor child may own real property. (I know that sounds funny, but it's true... the last time I looked, anyway.) So when you, the child, say, "Mine," you are actually mistaken. You do not own anything. I own it. Under Texas law, it is mine. And I say we share.
5. The other children in this house are children of Heavenly Father, as are you. I have stewardship over them, as well as you. I expect these children, including you, to be treated with love and care. This goes for their treatment from adults, as well as from other children. This means you all treat each other the way you would treat the Savior.
Now-- some of these may seem to be some hard things to say to children, but I have said these things to my children more than once over the years. They are simply statements of fact, if you were to ask any of my children old enough to think in abstract terms.
Now, how to teach children to share, without infringing upon their agency, that is a question I've been asked more than once. To that, I would have to ask: is it a matter of the child's choice that he take antibiotic if he is ill? Is it his choice whether or not he is educated? Is it his choice whether or not he hits his sister or brother? Is it his choice whether or not to use profane language?
When a tree is planted in your yard, you must stake it on at least two sides, better three sides, for a couple of years to make sure the trunk grows straight up, and not on a crooked slant. Also, when a wild wind blows, an un-staked tree may be uprooted, even. Children are the same. The must be 'staked'; best if staked by two parents and the Lord. Children need to be trained in the way they should go. The natural man, or child, does not easily follow the straight and narrow path that leads to eternal life. All people must be taught to keep desires, appetites and passions within righteous boundaries. Where the line is, so far as 'controlling' your child is up to you, the parent. Never should the boundary set by parents be outside the boundary set by the Lord.
Remember, though, parents cannot fully control children. Any parent of little children knows that. Aside from physical restraint, we can only make it known to our children what is acceptable to us, and what is not. The possible consequences of our acceptance and our non-acceptance is a topic for another discussion.
Suffice it to say, parents are in the business of persuasion. There are many methods of persuasion. My sweet friend described a very effective method by which she speaks to one child in such a way as to suggest a positive course of action to another child, who is listening (hopefully :) nearby. This is often very effective. Many children between about 3 or 4 years of age and around 6 or 7 will very often take such cues and will make a good choice because they want acceptance and approval of the adult. Younger children may not get the hint, and older children may feel empowered by going against the recognized abstract suggestion.
It has been my experience that very young children don't feel possessive of particular items, generally. They do, however, want to take things from other children. This makes them feel powerful. They are discovering what will happen if they grab, or run when called, or any other number of 'naughty' little things they do... which is really kind of cute... sorry, but my very last baby is almost two... I can't help it. I just think that ornery behavior is so very endearing. It is a good time, for the child, developmentally, to teach them to not grab toys or other items from other children/people. Regardless of the item, a child should learn to not grab from others. Some may disagree. I would be open to an argument supporting grabbing, but have never come across one, yet, with which I have been able to agree.
After a toddler has learned to not grab: telling him 'we don't grab' or 'no, no' or whatever you do... while having him give back the item... then preempting him before he does it again and redirecting his attention, if you can; it is easier to teach a pre-school aged child to share. If someone has something that belongs to him, and he wants it back, he is able to accept that someone else has it right now. After explaining to the other child that the item 'is special' for whatever reason, the item can usually be easily retrieved and put away, if the 'owner-child' doesn't want to share.
Everything we have belongs to the Lord. Stewardship is our calling, not ownership. I believe this is the underlying principle we must teach our children.
Please understand, I've come to my views through my attendance at the school of hard knocks. I have worked in schools and daycare centers. I've cared for children from birth to adulthood and have interacted closely with many children who come from a variety of home-life situations in which an array of parenting techniques were employed, but I'm not a professional.
I've often said we must raise our children with great care, because one of these days, when they're 30, they're going to write their autobiographies... and we'll be in them. That's a little tongue and cheek, but there is truth in it. I have only my own adult sons to ask how I'm doing so far. For now, I think we're OK. If I've made any horrible mistakes, they haven't realized it, yet... I'm still not out of the woods, though... I still have 6 more to go!
Don't forget: All children are unique. What seems to be working for me, may not work for everyone. And remember about Sally Windham: she is very opinionated. She always thinks she's right...
In her defense... in my defense: I learned how to cook by reading cookbooks. I learned about business management and finance by reading books and government web sites. I've learned a lot from reading books and from talking to people.
I'm still learning how to be a wife and have been learning for 25 years by reading a long list of books over the years, including the scriptures and the writings of ancient and modern prophets and by asking my Heavenly Father to help me discern between good information and bad.
And I am still learning to parent in the same way.
Our whole lives on this beautiful earth are about growth and development. What a blessing it is that we have so many years to do it! How grateful I am for the years we have to raise our children and to grow with them.
Is anything in this whole world better or more fulfilling than being a mother?
I haven't found it.
So-- here are some basic principles accepted by the Windham Family:
1. This is the house the Lord allowed Dad and me to provide for the use of our family. It is not your house.
2. This is a bedroom in the house the Lord has allowed Dad and me to provide. It is not your bedroom. It is my bedroom, or Dad's, if it belongs to anyone here.
3. These are clothes purchased with money I earned/Dad earned. They are for your use. They are not yours. If to anyone, they belong to Dad and me.
4. These are not your toys. They are toys purchased with money the Lord allowed us to earn for the care of our family. We offer gifts to you on special occasions because giving and receiving make us all feel happy. It is about the giving and receiving. If some gifts were given to you from other people, remember, IN THE STATE of TEXAS: no minor child may own real property. (I know that sounds funny, but it's true... the last time I looked, anyway.) So when you, the child, say, "Mine," you are actually mistaken. You do not own anything. I own it. Under Texas law, it is mine. And I say we share.
5. The other children in this house are children of Heavenly Father, as are you. I have stewardship over them, as well as you. I expect these children, including you, to be treated with love and care. This goes for their treatment from adults, as well as from other children. This means you all treat each other the way you would treat the Savior.
Now-- some of these may seem to be some hard things to say to children, but I have said these things to my children more than once over the years. They are simply statements of fact, if you were to ask any of my children old enough to think in abstract terms.
Now, how to teach children to share, without infringing upon their agency, that is a question I've been asked more than once. To that, I would have to ask: is it a matter of the child's choice that he take antibiotic if he is ill? Is it his choice whether or not he is educated? Is it his choice whether or not he hits his sister or brother? Is it his choice whether or not to use profane language?
When a tree is planted in your yard, you must stake it on at least two sides, better three sides, for a couple of years to make sure the trunk grows straight up, and not on a crooked slant. Also, when a wild wind blows, an un-staked tree may be uprooted, even. Children are the same. The must be 'staked'; best if staked by two parents and the Lord. Children need to be trained in the way they should go. The natural man, or child, does not easily follow the straight and narrow path that leads to eternal life. All people must be taught to keep desires, appetites and passions within righteous boundaries. Where the line is, so far as 'controlling' your child is up to you, the parent. Never should the boundary set by parents be outside the boundary set by the Lord.
Remember, though, parents cannot fully control children. Any parent of little children knows that. Aside from physical restraint, we can only make it known to our children what is acceptable to us, and what is not. The possible consequences of our acceptance and our non-acceptance is a topic for another discussion.
Suffice it to say, parents are in the business of persuasion. There are many methods of persuasion. My sweet friend described a very effective method by which she speaks to one child in such a way as to suggest a positive course of action to another child, who is listening (hopefully :) nearby. This is often very effective. Many children between about 3 or 4 years of age and around 6 or 7 will very often take such cues and will make a good choice because they want acceptance and approval of the adult. Younger children may not get the hint, and older children may feel empowered by going against the recognized abstract suggestion.
It has been my experience that very young children don't feel possessive of particular items, generally. They do, however, want to take things from other children. This makes them feel powerful. They are discovering what will happen if they grab, or run when called, or any other number of 'naughty' little things they do... which is really kind of cute... sorry, but my very last baby is almost two... I can't help it. I just think that ornery behavior is so very endearing. It is a good time, for the child, developmentally, to teach them to not grab toys or other items from other children/people. Regardless of the item, a child should learn to not grab from others. Some may disagree. I would be open to an argument supporting grabbing, but have never come across one, yet, with which I have been able to agree.
After a toddler has learned to not grab: telling him 'we don't grab' or 'no, no' or whatever you do... while having him give back the item... then preempting him before he does it again and redirecting his attention, if you can; it is easier to teach a pre-school aged child to share. If someone has something that belongs to him, and he wants it back, he is able to accept that someone else has it right now. After explaining to the other child that the item 'is special' for whatever reason, the item can usually be easily retrieved and put away, if the 'owner-child' doesn't want to share.
Everything we have belongs to the Lord. Stewardship is our calling, not ownership. I believe this is the underlying principle we must teach our children.
Please understand, I've come to my views through my attendance at the school of hard knocks. I have worked in schools and daycare centers. I've cared for children from birth to adulthood and have interacted closely with many children who come from a variety of home-life situations in which an array of parenting techniques were employed, but I'm not a professional.
I've often said we must raise our children with great care, because one of these days, when they're 30, they're going to write their autobiographies... and we'll be in them. That's a little tongue and cheek, but there is truth in it. I have only my own adult sons to ask how I'm doing so far. For now, I think we're OK. If I've made any horrible mistakes, they haven't realized it, yet... I'm still not out of the woods, though... I still have 6 more to go!
Don't forget: All children are unique. What seems to be working for me, may not work for everyone. And remember about Sally Windham: she is very opinionated. She always thinks she's right...
In her defense... in my defense: I learned how to cook by reading cookbooks. I learned about business management and finance by reading books and government web sites. I've learned a lot from reading books and from talking to people.
I'm still learning how to be a wife and have been learning for 25 years by reading a long list of books over the years, including the scriptures and the writings of ancient and modern prophets and by asking my Heavenly Father to help me discern between good information and bad.
And I am still learning to parent in the same way.
Our whole lives on this beautiful earth are about growth and development. What a blessing it is that we have so many years to do it! How grateful I am for the years we have to raise our children and to grow with them.
Is anything in this whole world better or more fulfilling than being a mother?
I haven't found it.
I love it- "It's mine, so I say we share." Only way to go! :)
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