...and then there was one...

What is the measure of success? Is it money? I don't have any of that. Is it fame? I don't have that either. If it is that I can claim to have stayed, then that's me. I've stayed where I was told to stay. Here I am. I've tried to be kind and loving. I've tried to be a good person; a good woman; a good friend. I've tried to love as I've wanted to be loved. I've loved with no strings attached. You see, if you have no heart strings, no one can pull on them. If you love freely, without expectation of reciprocity, you are the giver of love only. Receiving love is a bonus, not an expectation. I always believed that I give to others, and then God gives back to me. Yesterday was my 29th wedding anniversary. I guess that means to many people that Daniel has been a successful husband and I've been a successful wife. We're still married after all these years. Funny how people measure things. Sit. Stay. Good dog. Have you ever thought about a dog who sits and stays? What if you tell him to stay, then you walk away and just go? How long does he sit and stay? If he sits and stays until he's dead, is he a good dog? If he doesn't know how to fetch or shake or find a hidden bone, is he still a good dog, because he knows how to sit and stay? If you walk away and leave him there, and he stays...and he's a good dog...and he stays sitting...year after year, and you take for granted that he will stay because he is a good dog...and you go on with your day and your week and year; you've gone on alone, without man's best friend; is he good still, if he just stays? See Spot? He's over there, still sitting, wasting away, getting old and dying; alone, as well. But he's staying. What a good dog. You can even kick him a few times. He'll stay. He's a good dog. My adult children like me. Love is a given in the relationship between mothers and children. Even in abusive relationships, children will say they love their mothers. When a child is grown, however, you get a pretty good idea of what sort of mother he or she had by not only the adult child's character, but by his/her words regarding his or her mother and by the level and quality of the parent-adult child relationship. An adult child who was raised well will honor and esteem his or her mother; will reverence her; will speak highly of her. Proverbs 31, starting in about verse 10 is one of my favorite passages. Verse 28 says "Her children arise up, and call her blessed." I have a few children who've been raised up. They are adults. I have a few who are still very young. My adult children, who have been raised; who are arisen; those children call me blessed. Honestly, I am blessed because of them. They love me. They like me. I'm pretty sure none of them would speak ill of me. I've been a good mother to them. I've loved them well. I always will love and cherish them. My younger children have had a more difficult time of it. I've been afraid of the changes I've known were coming for a while. I've been concerned with trying to find stable footing to brace myself and to protect my children from the difficult times I saw coming...times that now are upon us. And because I've been focused more on finding a stable place to stand, I've not been kneeling quite as often...I haven't been kneeling to play with them as much as I did with the older children. I've not knelt in prayer with them as often as I did the older ones. I've not been the mother to them that I could have and should have been because my attention has been focused on trying to remain still, if possible. I've tried to find a way to be safe, to be stable for my children, and to remain still...like a good dog who stays. Some times, even a very good dog cannot and will not sit and stay. Even a good dog must not remain seated at the cost of his life. I don't believe a dog must pay with his life to prove he is good. A dog left alone, who goes to the water bowl is still a good dog. A dog who ducks under the porch to escape the thunderstorm is still a good dog. If you hit or kick your dog, and call him names, and he cowers and runs; is he still a good dog? Eventually he won't want to be around you, but he's not a bad dog. If you treat him too badly, over time, he won't be your best friend anymore...at least he will know you are not his best friend. Just like all people: we want to be near those who make us feel good about who we are. We want to be with those who esteem us and treat us with kindness. We tend to move away from people who are unkind. When we grow up and move out on our own, we come back year after year to spend time with our parents who loved and treated us well. We tend to feel less inclined to return to parents who've mistreated us. It's normal. Someone once taught that you reap what you sow...a good lesson. In the beginning, I came into the world as a singular person. In the end, I will leave this world as a singular person. Hopefully, I have and will touch lives for good while I'm here. Hopefully, I'm spending my time wisely and am doing good in the world. My greatest hope is that I will have been a blessing in the lives of my children. Though I've tried to be a blessing to many others, I'm limited by the degree to which others allow me to positively influence them...and that's not something within my power to control. When all is said and done, the people who will tell my story to the rising generation, are my children...even grandchildren. One of our many marriage counselors told me once that marriage isn't about being in love happily ever after. It's about having a life's partner who knows you; knows your story; who will pass through this life with you and remember you when you're gone. I thought of that on my 46th birthday, when I was asked what flavor cake I like best. The person who asked me that doesn't know me. I don't know if he knows my story, either. We seem to be in different books most of the time, let alone on the same page. I know he'll always remember me, as I will always remember him. I know also, I want to be here for a while yet, to be remembered, and that isn't something that should ever be taken for granted. Life is a fleeting thing. A parting thought that bears repeating, if I've said it before (though I'm not the first to say it): being alone isn't the same as being lonely. Here I am. I'm not lonely. I'm safe and grateful. I'm loved and liked by the most important people in my world. More than that, I love. And with love, though there is only me, I am not alone.