ultimatum

I’ve issued only one ultimatum in my life, so far. I haven’t found it necessary to draw a line in the sand at the end of a relationship, because I tried to draw my lines sooner. As I write this piece for submission to the new editor of the Blanco County News, I’m considering the possible ramification of some lines in the sand I’ve drawn between him and me. One, for instance, is my request that a header not be included at the beginning of Fit Tips to synopsize its content. It’s my intention that readers of Fit Tips not be told what they’re supposed gain from it before they ever read it. This column is similar to a personal training program, in my view, including not only physical aspects of coaching, but metaphysical. Mr. Domke has told me he’ll continue to include the header. I’ve said what I want; I’ve tried to establish clear boundaries in this new relationship. He is doing the same. Unlike establishment of boundaries, ultimatums are like dropping a bomb on a relationship, either with or without warning. Depending on your position, an ultimatum could mean the end, although the issuer will likely see it as a hopeful beginning of something better. (Speaking to you planning to issue an ultimatum, let me say this: Only utilize this potentially destructive tool when you have the courage and means to follow through. If you don’t have both, you become a liar and lose credibility. That’s not helpful in any relationship.) It’s best to avoid getting to the point when you feel an ultimatum is needed. Be up front at the beginning. Explain what's acceptable and what's not. Don’t be afraid of losing a developing relationship because you draw your lines. It hurts less when only two people walk away. It’s worse when children are dragged through a divorce later. Think about that. By establishing boundaries early, and avoiding the need for ultimatums later, you begin your new relationships with increased mutual respect and better understanding. Failing to establish boundaries early on sets the stage for resentment deeper into the relationship, whether the relationship is personal, casual or professional. The artful skill of conflict resolution is trainable. Remember, though, even if a win-win is what you’re working and hoping for, it’s not always possible. If you’re trying to relate to someone who is abusive, who is mentally ill or who has a personality disorder, there are no skills you can acquired to fix a relational impasse, and only a qualified mental healthcare provider can offer you proper direction. To be emotionally healthy, we must draw our lines in the sand. Acknowledge your own and respect those drawn by those with whom you choose to relate. Sally Windham-Blackburn is an ACE Certified Personal Trainer and Fitness Instructor. Follow her on Facebook and at http://sallywindhamblackburn.blogspot.com Send questions or comments to sally_blackburn@yahoo.com

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