A Word to the Wise

9-26-18 If you don’t text with kids, you may not know what LOL means, or GTG or LMS. What about KYS? Do you know what that means? KYS; one of the shorthand messages that’s been in popular social media use since its inception. Trying to figure out exactly where it first began is sort of like trying to discover exactly who first used ‘OK’ to mean ‘yes.’ Regardless, it’s either a smart-aleck remark or a dangerous prod. In case you don’t know, KYS is an acronym for ‘kill yourself,’ and our kids have been seeing it and using it in texts, memes and via smartphone apps for years. What the big boys do at the high school level trickles down to the children in elementary school, and those who bring their smartphones to school (roughly half of elementary age kids have one by the time they’re 8), know what it means when someone says KYS. On top of that, “Why don’t you just kill yourself?” has become increasingly common in the school age population as a spoken put-down, of sorts, and it’s worse than name-calling ever was. (Check out growingwireless.com for more statistics on kids and smartphones.) In recent years, the question of guilt in teen suicides has been raised when the victim had been told to KYS by peers. A young woman in Massachusetts was recently found guilty of involuntary manslaughter because of that very thing. A greater concern than liability and guilt on the shoulders of the child who tells another to KYS, is this: the tragedy of suicide when a secretly-already-fractured child gives up and gives in to the nudging of peers to “just do it.” Children are dying from suicide in increasing numbers (find lots of data at CDC). A child who struggles with depression, anxiety or ADHD is at increased risk; boys more than girls. Feeling alone, like he doesn’t belong anywhere and like he’s a burden to others, puts a child at higher risk. A child who struggles with feeling unaccepted, or feeling like there’s nowhere to go, a child who thinks the family and the world would be better off without him; this child may do something drastic, maybe even on an impulse, when told to do it. A singular, deadly impulse is all it takes. Recognizing the warning signs in retrospect is useless. Be involved with your children at home. Invest yourself in them. Ask lots of questions. Hang out in their bedrooms. Know their friends. Know their passwords. Know what they’re saying, seeing and hearing. Don’t just give them a phone and let go. Hold your children. Be interested in their lives. Don’t let KYS meet FML and KMS. It’s deadly. KWIM? 9-5-18 “Do we have to listen to this song every morning? It gets stuck in my head all day long,” Josh complained on the way to school the other morning. “That’s the point,” I replied. “When you’re not busy with something else, I want the words to this song to echo in the background of your thoughts.” My kids all know and accept they’re being brainwashed by me. They know I’m giving it my best effort to indoctrinate them in the ways of peace and happiness. I realize it’s becoming more unpopular as time passes, but I’m a little old fashioned and still think it’s good to train up children with core beliefs and values. Granted, the lyrics I program into the background thoughts of my children are of a spiritual nature, I dare say even religious. However, the practice of mind-programming isn’t reserved for Christian-brainwashing parents like me. I’ve mentioned self-affirmations and positive self-talk, before. The subconscious mind believes what it hears to be true. (Rather than cite multiple studies at this point, I encourage you to search for yourself). For instance, if we say “I’m strong and good. I’m confident and powerful,” we begin to perceive ourselves as strong, good, confident and powerful. The negative self-talk works, too, and those things we say to diminish our confidence and self-perception are too quickly said and come too easily for most of us. Negative self-talk tends to become a sort of self-fulfilling prophesy, so don’t do it. I’ve encouraged you, in the past, to look at yourself in the mirror every day, even several times a day, and say something to build your self-image. If you haven’t made that part of your daily routine yet, at least try the emotional workout I do with my kids on the way to school: Find a piece of music with lyrics that tell a truth in which you need to trust; one that will bring you comfort and peace, or encouragement and hope. Find a song that speaks the message you need, then listen to it like it’s your favorite song (like when you were a kid, playing the same record over and over). Get that uplifting piece of music stuck in your head, so it repeats throughout your day. If you have a repeating thought that’s always on your mind, let it be something you’ve carefully selected. Intentionally program your own background music, even if it means learning the words to a new song that you might not always hear on your favorite station. Remember, just as you put food into your body, you put food into your mind; sometimes it’s good, sometimes not. It sounds simple, but it’s powerful, so listen carefully. 8-15-18 We had a sad experience, recently. We saw the weakness in our own abilities when compared to the selective powers of Mother Nature. No matter what we did, we couldn’t save the life of a dying animal. In the end, the only control we had was to help ease the suffering. Our 10-year-old was particularly sad and had a hard time accepting what was. Realizing where our power lies, and recognizing and accepting the limitations of that power is central to a peaceful life. Some of you may be familiar with the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference” (Karl Paul Reinhold Niebuhr, 1932). This is a common mantra, commonly recited in several 12-step programs, including Alcoholics Anonymous. Although Pastor Niebuhr’s prayer is popular in modern culture, the idea that a person’s acceptance of what is out of his hands directly relates to his inner peace, is far from new. I encourage you to search “the evolution of the philosophy of peace.” You may find it interesting. There’s a philosophy that we become good at what we practice. If we practice anger, we become very good at becoming angry. If we practice complaining, we become good at finding things with which to be dissatisfied. (Some of us are exceptionally skilled complainers.) If we practice sarcasm, or cruelty, or anything else; we tend to become good at it. We become good at what we practice. If we choose to practice acceptance of things as they are, which we cannot change, we are beginning the practice of peace. Those things outside our power such as the behavior of other people, an unavoidable death, whether or not our chosen leader was elected, whether or not there is rain; such things as these need not cause anger, sorrow nor despair. Besides, allowing such negative feelings to reign doesn’t improve any circumstances, and is quite simply a waste of time. We know time is precious. Let’s not waste it being miserable over things out of our hands. A wise farmer once said, “There’s no use crying over spilled milk” (James Howell ref. 1659, European Folklore). What’s done is done. If we’re wise, we’ll learn from what happened, even if the only lesson is: We’re not omnipotent beings. It’s wisdom to use the power within us to accomplish good in this world. We have unlimited control over the kindness in words we speak. We have unlimited power to express gratitude. See all that is good in life and focus on what you can change, when change is necessary. Then practice acceptance. Practice the art of peace.