Sibling Death

There was tenderness in his words; “Sister, I’m here.” Then, touching her cheek; “OK, now. I’m here, Sister.” He carefully brushed the hair from her forehead with calloused fingers. That tough old farmer; soft as he communed with her for the last time. We’d come to say a final ‘good-bye’ to the only sister of six Blackburn brothers; Joyce. It’s really painful when your sister dies… or your brother. Of all human bonds, the sibling relationship is the only one expected to last a lifetime. Traditionally, we expect the day will come when parents leave this world, and most often, we live many years beyond our parents. We live decades before meeting and marrying the one with whom we hope to spend ‘the rest’ of our lives. We live years before bringing children into the world (and expect to outlive our children…) Siblings, though, are those we’ve known our entire lives (or close to it), and with whom we feel a sense of parallelism in life. Sibling relationships represent our past, present and future life. The sibling bond is among the most powerful and enduring of all relationships. When a sibling dies, however, attention is often turned to parents (if a younger child dies), or the surviving spouse and children (if an older child dies). The grief of siblings can be easily overlooked. I remember feeling like I was part of the support network for my mother, my niece and other family members when two of my siblings died, though I felt like I was falling apart in the process. Now, I see my good husband being part of the support network in his family, but thankfully see no signs he might be falling apart. He has a few years of experience living and has grieved many times for the loss of loved ones. There are plenty of good resources to help in the grieving process. I’d like to share just a couple I’ve found to be particularly good. First, “linking objects,” can be powerful tools. Pictures, an article of clothing, a gift exchanged between you; items that hold meaning and are a representation of your relationship could (should) be saved as reminders and tokens of your enduring love and connection. Hold on to those. Second, it’s important to understand emotional reconciliation. This means accepting that there’s no “recovery” from grief, so don’t wait for it to be gone. Reconcile yourself to the truth, which is: We learn to live with it. We are changed by it. It’s now part of us. Sorrow is a painful truth and part of the struggle. We grieve, and become stronger because of it. In all things, it’s the struggle that makes us strong.