Ambivilence
















It's been so much fun this summer,though the time is growing short. It always amazes me how quickly time passes. Today, if what might have been had come to pass; we would celebrate Heather's 20th birthday. Instead, those of us who are able, remember her and think about what might have been.

I was talking to a sweet friend of mine who recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She told me her relationship with her infant daughter has been touched by my remembrances of Heather and my relationship with her. If you are curious as to how that may be, you may read some of my blog posts from last year or so to get an idea. It is very meaningful to me that Heather's life, though a brief moment on earth, touched Baby's life.

With the lives of all of my children: though the moments of their lives spent under my roof seem brief, their impact on my life has been profound. Philip will leave here on September 7th. I remember the day I first put him to my breast like it was yesterday. How can it be that 19 years have gone? He has been such a joy. I'm so grateful for the time I've had to raise him. I know it's not over, by any means... people always need their mother in some way... I missed my mother today, even. This is the first time I haven't been able to call her just to weep a little with her on Heather's birthday...

I am so happy for the excitement in the various stages of life of all of my children. I wouldn't trade this life for any other. It is a bitter-sweet experience, though: I'm so happy for all of what it is... all of what it has been; and I'm beginning to feel the sadness in realizing how it all passes so quickly... how so much of it has passed already.

As I just had to pause to call Emily to come get the cinnamon she left out, take it from Josh, put it away and vacuum the mess out of the carpet, my mind is taken back to a time I found Daniel Jr. (then two or so) laying in the family room floor with the nub of a hand-crafted candle my brother had brought back to me from
Germany... Daniel had taken small bites of the candle, then spit each one out. It must have been a calming activity that had gone on for several minutes because the candle was half of what it had been and there were little bites of wax ALL around Daniel who was fast asleep in the middle of it all, clutching the remains of my hand-carved, hand-painted, German-scenery-engraved, irreplaceable candle.

My grandmother always said: When you have kids, that what you have!

How true... and thank goodness. I wouldn't have it any other way.

They say this life on earth is but a breath in an eternal existence. All of the living we do here, when considered in that capacity, might be likened to the time we have to enjoy a few moments under the water in the pool, until the next breath... a brief moment.

What we do with that moment is what makes all the difference. A phrase from an old song comes to mind: Love life; live it well.

May we all.

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