Originally written New Year 2020 “I just think we say ‘I’m sorry’ too much. You should write about that.” I won’t trouble you with the details of our conversation, last year, only that we didn’t agree and neither one apologized. The beginning of a new year is a good time to take a fresh look at some of our old habits. I encourage you to take a moment to examine yours. Thanks to my friend, I examined my tendency to apologize (though I apologize much less frequently than when I was a younger woman). I still believe “I’m sorry” can be a good way to assuage hurt feelings, and ease tensions, even when I’m not the reason someone is hurting and I’m not a contributor to the tension. I’m among those who believe forgiveness can be encouraged, relationships can begin to repair and hostility can begin to dissolve by one or more of the people present expressing a sincere “I’m sorry.” This isn’t the same as an apology. An apology indicates acknowledgement of responsibility. Saying “I’m sorry” can simply be an expression of compassion or sympathy. Maybe it’s the mother in me, but I find it very easy to say “I’m sorry,” when emotions are high and feelings are hurt. Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t always make offended feelings disappear. Sometimes tension persists. Sometimes forgiveness is withheld. Sometimes, even a sincere apology may be rejected, but if the apology is heart-felt, none of this should matter (to me). Much has been written about men and women and over-apologizing in today’s society; who apologizes more and what it means. There’s plenty of information about different types of apologies and why we use them. None of that matters to me, either. What does matter to me is how I relate to the people in my world. I care whether or not other people feel safe with me. I care about whether the people with whom I associate know I trust them, and I can be trusted. When I say “I’m sorry,” I mean “Your feelings matter to me and I’m here with you.” What it means when someone else says the same words, I cannot say for sure. I try to give others the benefit of the doubt, when I can, and trust most people have good intentions, like I do. Going forward, into the new year, however, I plan to branch out and look for other words to offer comfort when I see someone hurting, when I sense tension or when things seem to have gone wrong. It’ll be a challenge for me, but therein lies an opportunity for growth. What better reason to find places and ways to grow than this Happy New Year? Be well.

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