What Really Matters, According to Me

My Navy daughter had some concerns about spending two weeks with family before she left for her next duty station. At the top of her list was the need to be near a gym while she was on leave so she could keep up with her two-hour daily workout schedule. Not only does she want to keep fit for work, but if she doesn’t work out six days a week for two hours every day, she feels anxious, sort of depressed and generally uncomfortable and unhappy. I hadn’t noticed quite so much until one of her little sisters mentioned it, but she thinks about exercise throughout the day and talks about it a lot. When you come from a family of alcoholics on one side and a family of 400lb women on the other side, like I do, you benefit from knowing something about how addictions manifest. For whatever reasons (environment, genetics or a combination of those and other factors), some of us get hooked more easily than others. Distinguishing between normal, healthy indulgences and addictions can be tricky for the...

Soon we’ll cross the imaginary line that distinguishes 2020 from 2021. The coming of a new year is usually a time when we set goals or rededicate ourselves to resolutions we made last year (and maybe didn’t reach). This year however, for the first time since we collectively worried our computers would crash at midnight Y2K, some of us aren’t necessarily looking excitedly forward to the coming New Year’s Day. With uncertainties over the economy, the pandemic, employment, housing issues and politics, many Americans fear the coming of 2021 will bring more of the same difficulties that plagued 2020. Though we often fear the unknown, this time around we’re afraid we might see more of what’s become all too familiar. If you find yourself struggling to get excited about the coming new year, try shifting your focus away from the run-of-the-mill resolutions you might have made. Instead, determine to focus your purpose on altruistic goals. Altruistic resolutions are those with concentration on se...

I received a text message Saturday evening: “What do you want for Christmas?” My reply: “I want the wrong to fail, the right to prevail and for there to be peace on earth.” The response: “I don’t think I can get you that or make that happen.” The message continued, expressing hope for various LEGO® themed building sets (in case I have Santa connections, I guess). As I thought about the question and my answer, my eyes were drawn to the twinkling lights of our little Christmas tree reflected in the wrapping paper of the presents thereabout. I thought about all of the money spent on gifts over the 33 years of my ongoing mother-related life’s experiences. I remembered some of the biggest, most expensive gifts, wondering how valuable they really were. I see now that the most expensive gifts aren’t the best I gave. The best gifts are memories: Making special cookies and taking them to loved ones on Thanksgiving Day; being the first Christmas carolers wishing them Merry Christmas. The best in...

I recently had occasion to visit with a young woman who has become so skilled at disconnecting when she feels upset, that she can’t remember some of the important milestones in her life. As a likely response to the ongoing problems in her childhood home, years ago she developed a coping mechanism which helped to protect her from the unpredictable and ongoing cycles of volatility in her relationship with one of her parents (and the fear resultant from that insecurity). The problem with emotional disconnect in children is that, if left unaddressed, it can become the go-to method for dealing with stress later in adult life, and sometimes this happens without anyone noticing, even the person dissociating. In severe cases, dissociative personality disorder can develop which puts the individual at increased risk for a multitude of associated adverse mental and physical health conditions, including relationship problems. Dissociative amnesia, dissociative identity disorder and depersonalizati...

From “Race ya to the slide,” to “Race ya to the White House,” we are a competitive people. Unfortunately, if we don’t compete regularly and often, a loss may feel exceptionally painful. For some of us, a loss may even result in extreme disappointment, anger and even fear. Often, these feelings lead to resentment. If the pain of losing becomes too difficult to bear, sometimes we simply stop caring about winning at all. When we stop caring, we stop trying and accept (expect) defeat without any disappointment. Learned helplessness has been observed in hopeless people, resigned to loss. Elie Wiesel (Holocaust survivor), opined: “The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.” Rather than anger, resentment or indifference, let us train to develop sympathetic joy for those who experience victory, even if our defeat is part of the price paid for them to win. Here’s...

Over the last couple of weeks, my kids at home and I spent some time watching some of our favorite movies (I’m proud we’ve all read the books). Near the end of one saga, a very young man asks a much older, wiser man this question: "Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?" The sage answered: "Of course it is happening inside your head…but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” (J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) If you had no special together-time this past holiday, continue the practice of reflecting on pleasant moments in years gone by. Holidays are like memory markers, helping us hold on to happy experiences and some of the best times in life, even when it sometimes seems the best of the good times are behind us; existing only inside our heads. Daniel Kahneman PhD, among many others, has studied how holiday rituals impact our memory of special times. He and his colleagues have likened our memories to snapshots; explaining ...

I recently was fortunate to hear words of wisdom from the mouth of a 96-year-old man who spoke to the topic of gratitude. Before retiring from his career as a surgeon, he was in the business of repairing injured, damaged and otherwise malfunctioning hearts. The power of his words, however, provided insight into the remedy, not for ills of the physical heart, but for so much of our metaphysical broken heartedness. As we discussed last week, expressions of gratitude are a tried and true way to counter the effects of the “recounting our problems,” as my friend, Dr. Nelson describes is our human tendency to do. Regardless of nationality, socio-economic circumstances, gender, age, political persuasion or any other factor, gratitude can ease our feelings of grief. It won’t remove the challenges that inevitably beset human life, but cultivating a grateful heart changes perception of circumstance. Purposefully focusing attention on any and every possible good instead of the obvious bad, in any...

“Life is a marathon, not a sprint” (Phillip C. McGraw). Knowing what we’re up against, in terms of the race, determines how we train and where we look for the mark of our success. When training for a sprint (short distance race), begin with an easy jog or run. After the warmup, run faster for a short period of time, then slow down to that easier pace. One easy way to begin is first, assess your own level of comfort on a scale of 1 to 10; 1 being walking and 10 being run-for-your-life. Run at your personal 4 or 5 for five minutes, then pick up the pace and run at 6 or 7 for forty-five seconds. Repeat this process 6 to 8 times. Make sure you allow your body sufficient time to recover from high intensity workouts, especially at the beginning of your journey. You’ll find, as time passes and training continues, you’re able to run faster for longer, and your scale from 1 to 10 will begin to shift, as well. A marathon is quite a different matter. Whereas a sprint is generally 100 to 400 meter...

In 1944, Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman starred in “Gaslight;” the story of a young woman so terribly manipulated by her husband, that she came to believe she was going insane. In the story, based on Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 stage play, the sociopathic (or ASPD) husband convinces his wife she is imagining things that are in fact very real, even convincing her that the random dimming and brightening of gas lights in the house are imagined (when he is causing it, and knows it is happening). The film was critically acclaimed and very successful. By the 1960’s and into the 70’s, the term “gaslighting” came into use to described the type of psychological abuse in which the victim is gradually manipulated into doubting his or her own sanity, as was the case in the movie. Gaslighting happens in cases of individual relationships as well as on a societal level. Individual leaders and entire groups of associated people engage in gaslighting masses of people. When two or more forces are vying fo...

Sociopathy isn’t a word we hear often. Psychopathy is what we attribute to a villain in a scary movie or to a serial killer. However, both terms are antiquated, having been replaced with more modern descriptions. Sociopathy is now borderline personality disorder (BPD) and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) is more of what we used to call psychopathy. Regardless of labels, when someone has no remorse for having done wrong, has no empathy, is manipulative and refuses to take personal responsibility, we sense something is wrong. We see it in bad guys in the movies. We see it up close and personal sometimes, too. Roughly ten percent of Americans have symptoms somewhere on the spectrum of personality disorders (US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health). At least one mental health professional has gone on the record by saying “politicians are more likely than people in the general population” to be sociopathic. (Martha Stout, Ph.D) We’ve seen leaders with presumed AS...

Not long ago I participated in a mostly friendly debate regarding whether or not law-abiding voters are (or should be), inhibited by the presence of law enforcement at or near polling places. The idea that we always ‘are’ what we ‘should’ be is a topic for another day. This week, I want to look at the prejudices we bring with us, even from early childhood, that affect how we feel about any number of things and how that affects our overall health and wellness. I doubt many of us were intentionally programmed to prejudice. Personal experience and shared experiences with others (including parents), contribute to the notions we gather over life. Even the micro expressions of caregiver faces influence the response of children to any number of situations (including how children perceive the meaning of the presence of police), inducing attitudes and bias. We know even subtle manifestations of prejudice can cause stress in the one who is the target of the discrimination. For instance, a studen...

In case you didn’t know, the first Wednesday in October is National Coffee with a Cop Day. (see nationaldaycalendar.com) In small towns like Blanco, we are likely to welcome such an observance. It seems like most of us in small towns still appreciate and respect our police. As I was reading through the webpage about Coffee with a Cop Day, it occurred to me that there was a time, not too long ago, when I silently agreed with someone who said: “Only criminals are afraid of the police.” I have since asked myself if I am prejudice. That possibility had not occurred to me until recently. As I consider my son, who is a police officer, my long-held prejudice that only criminally minded people would not welcome a friendly sit-down with a police officer, is dying a terribly slow and very hard death in me. The police are members of our families, aren’t they? They are our protectors and defenders against the ‘bad guys,’ aren’t they? If my ideas are antiquated, I appreciate there is an ongoing e...

Like the cycles of freedom and bondage experienced ages before Polybius wrote his theories of benign and malignant governments, we continue to cycle today, even thousands of years later. Generations, societies, governments and the governed cycle. Even the earth cycles as it spins through day and night, revolving through seasons and years over millennia and eons of time. Cycles are a theme of living things; growth and decline. We struggle for growth and cycle through periods of accomplishment and strength then ease and weakness. Time spent at ease leads to weakness; a very natural part of the living cycle. This is true for the body, both physical and metaphysical. Among my close friends, I would say this is true for both the body and the spirit. The phenomenon manifests in societies of all sizes, from that of the United States to those the size of the average American family. Around and around we go from weak to strong to weak; from poor to rich to poor. Generation after generation; hum...

Alcoholism is the third leading cause of preventable death in the United States (niaaa.nih.gov). In an article addressing the challenges related to alcoholism, the recent pandemic and the current social climate, Dr. George Koob, director of the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism said, “More people may drink…more heavily to cope with stress…increasing their risk for alcohol use disorder and other adverse consequences. Although alcohol…dampens the brain and body’s response to stress, feelings of stress and anxiety not only return, but worsen, once the alcohol wears off. Over time…alcohol consumption can cause adaptations in the brain that intensify the stress response. As a result, drinking alcohol to cope can make problems worse and one may end up drinking to fix the problem that alcohol caused.” (George Koob) Such ill-fated steps taken in the name of addressing a problem can lead to even darker places than that from which we tried to escape by drinking. My niece Sasha d...

Sometimes it’s hard to put a finger on what’s wrong. Other times, it’s pretty easy. The Kaiser Family Foundation published the findings of a tracking poll conducted earlier this year indicating roughly half of American adults say the COVID-19 pandemic has affected their mental health. The National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS) has partnered with the Census Bureau and is now conducting what is being called the Household Pulse Survey, to gather what surveyors are hoping will be the most up-to-date information regarding the effects of the current climate on mental health in American homes. When we combine feelings of fear, feeling anxious, depressed, struggling to sleep through the night, or simply feeling edgy about the pandemic with the same anxious feelings related to the upcoming election, we can understand what millions of people, just like us, are feeling, from time to time. Even when things in the world aren’t so topsy-turvy, it’s not difficult to find something to be upset a...